dear dumb diet diary

So there is advice out there from the powers that be that says keeping a food journal is good for you. well, if that's right, then keeping a log of how I'm doing on this diet will give me catharsis.
This was my first week.
I have to eat 5 of their meals a day and make one of my own. I atleast had some variety: eggs, chicken, beef, fish...
I had my struggles: someone  talked me into cheesecake (ok partly myself), I had to go to five guys for my mom and NOT eat their fries, and then there was the struggle of THIER FOOD.
Let me introduce you to my nemesis: the mustard pretzel stick...
it's deceiving, it's called a pretzel, but actually it's just mustard flavored , protien powder laced dirt that's been glued together. I bought a box of it. 7 bags come in a box, and since I paid for it, I have to eat all of it... UUGGHHH. So every day I choke down these delicious cracker type things... Good thing is: they make me completely not hungry.
Here's my unicorn: the peach mango smoothie. I have made this thing every night this week. I can not get it QUIIIIIIIte right. Sometimes it tastes watery. Sometimes it tastes chunky.
So how did this week go:
drum roll please
I lost 6 lbs!!!!
My plan this week... going out of town... dang I want some french fries!

By rock bottom, I mean fat bottom

I love a good cookie (just call this before picture)

I have hit rock bottom.
I will never tell you how much I weigh. Why? Imagine this: My supportive loving husband of 12 years is sitting with me a couple months ago. I haven't had the guts to tell him how much I've gained in over a year. Then I can't take it anymore. I need help because I weigh just too much... surely, my wonderful , amazing husband can encourage me in this endeavor ( and for the most part, to his credit, he has tried to help me and encourage me) but as I tell him how much I weigh, his response... "WHAT!!!??? Are you kidding me? How did it get this bad?"
well.... ok. I think I'll just keep things to myself.
My motivation has been nothing. I really just want french fries every day.
I've gotten to the point that I don't really care about food... it hurts to eat, it makes me sick, but I keep shoveling it in.
I hate exercising. I've been trying to do couch to 5k... it hurts to run. I'm so heavy.
Ada climbed in bed with me a couple days ago and said I was so comfortable and fluffy.... hmmm.
So I finally called my aunt who's been on this medical progam for the past couple months. She's lost over 20 lbs and seems incredibly happy.
I am now part of the Medifast system... AHHHH. I swore I would never do a program. I really want to eat healthy on my own, but I've hit a time in my life that it seems like I just can't do it.

Zoe trying to help me figure out what some of 

these veggies look like

What I'm hoping to happen:
I want exercise to be easier. Running is painful when you're heavy.
I want to work with my depression. Let's  reverse this cycle from downward to upward
I want to eat healthier and get a boost at the same time
I want to play with my kids
I want to fall in love with healthy foods (my sister can make a salad sound like chocolate cake)




The reason I chose this one
I hate weight watchers because I hate counting.

My last hurrah!!! BB's classic ganache chocolate cake

I hate nutrisystem because it's all planned for you and they seem like they trick you with having food like burgers and cake when in real life you really shouldn't be gorging on those things
I like this one because it has some meals planned for you, and some you are forced to cook for yourself so you learn what's healthy to eat.
You have to go to weekly check ins to help you with any poor choices , weight plateaus, if you're going out of town strategies, etc.
It's backed by doctors... monitored etc.
The thing I hate: the price....
So You're gonna see me soon... as ada put it: When you get skinny, I'll miss the real you.
 Honey, the skinny me IS the real me!

This is most of my food for the next week... mmmm (feel the sarcasm)