Pain becomes her

I was just thinking I needed to add new pics once in a while, but I don't think I'll begin with this post.
As of tomorrow, I will have finished one week of P90X. Good and bad news. Not as fearful as I probably should be or as people made it out to be. BUT, there is no rest for the weary.
As a new mom 2 1/2 months out and having 3 other kids, I feel the burn.
I wake EARLY, run around entertaining for the summer (with extra lbs to lug around and I'm not talking about the baby). Every time we get in and out of the car, I haul that nasty carseat. Ada has decided she can't walk anymore at the most inopportune times... and I always keep forgetting that one thing that I left upstairs and I have to run up and get (oh wait, 50 times a day). Then after lunch or dinner if Johnny doesn't have anything planned, I get to push my limits with exercise.
These actually aren't nearly as bad as I expected. There are exercises that either my weight or the ligaments pulled will not allow me to do, but overall its ok.
Now keep in mind, depending on when I do these I have 3-4 kids awake, either begging me for something, bugging me, tripping me, and if I'm lucky exercising with me. Blessings: Nyla hasn't kept me from working out so far. and Also the girls have been encouraging me, as they tip me over while i'm doing the crane.
i'm glad to have a partner in Johnny. Sometimes I'm glad he's there to spur me on, but also sometimes it's nice to have the competition of doing something he can't. Afterward, I get to either cook dinner (while my arms shake) or put the girls to bed (while my butt jiggles/shakes).... then I come downstairs drinking a gallon of water, begging for bed, but too worked- out that I can't sleep. When I finally do, Nyla undoubtedly thinks it's an excellent time to talk to me... at 3am.
oh crap, I gotta get up those stairs again.
And then The alarm goes off. 2 days after starting, the muscle soreness sets in, and I'm crawling more than jumping out of bed, I slide off the couch rather than hop down to change diapers, I get on all fours before I stand up, and yes, I'm contemplating whether I should have had that oreo for dessert.
But all in all, I'm feeling good. i'm hoping to gain some strength and smaller pants, and eventually get back to my extreme self... so get on it, come over and work it with me, just don't look at me while I'm trying to do my vinassa.

2 months

I don't know if you realized this, but when you have a baby, you are under no obligation to do anything. When you have 4 kids, you are under no obligation to do anything.... ever.
I had Nyla 2 months ago, and after a week, I feel like all I could say is " she always" or " that never happens with her"... as if she'd been there forever. I can't imagine life without her, but my motivation is at 0.
People were suprised to see me at church, or dressed.
And the question I wanted to ask is, "what am I supposed to be doing?" I mean, I realize it's hard to manage 4 kids (sometimes), but really, I HAVE TO do something.
I have to wake up (4 kids wake up at 6am whether I do or not). I have to make breakfast (all I hear starting at 6:05 is what's for breakfast). I have to shower (it's summer. I have to shower. or else I'll have no friends). I have to go grocery shopping (still waiting for people to take my coupons and volunteer to do my shopping for me, but until then, we got to eat).
And I need social interaction.
I hate being late. I hate missing things. And my pregnancy was so painful that I missed a lot of appointments, not because I couldn't come, but because I just plain hurt too much. And people were very sympathetic. At first it was nice. But now...
I'm not obligated to answer the phone, or cook, or ever show up to church, get togethers I planned, or just about anything. This seems like it could have been a great excuse, but that's just what it is. i now have no motivation. I have no motivation to work out (I know, you just had a baby; stop being so hard on yourself), but if i dont do it now, when should I start. I have no motivation to play with my kids ( Iknow, I'm tired too), but if I don't do it now, when should I acknowledge their existence. and eventually depression is going to set in.
So, Nyla I love .... always. But after 2 months, I need encouragement, not an excuse. So let's go out... play together... maybe take a walk (if it's early in the morn)... and make fun of me if I don't show up... so that I'll stop excusing myself... I want to play with you.

decade for the books

A Couple weeks ago I celebrated 10 years with my hubby.
Let me take you back.
I was in a bad place when I met johnny. I had lost my self respect , my security (I was insecure), and felt incredibly alone. People I had trusted judged me to the point it was incredibly hard to be around them even though we talked it out and forgiven. I sat down one night crying for hours when I told God, "I'll never be married (not that it was my goal or anything)." I didn't trust God to bring someone into my life and had ruined it by doing it myself. I felt less than loved by men and had no where else to turn. I read scripture that talked about Christ coming back for his bride one day and thought I would give it a try... that's what bible college taught me (Jack Layman)... worth a try.
so I told God that I would not date a guy until i could understand that Jesus was first and formost my husband for all intensive purposes.
that's an odd concept. I have tried to explain it, but how? Until you can trust always being alone and be content with having Christ alone as the one you put your complete trust in as a "husband" then you can't love anyone the way you should... yah, doesn't make sense , does it?
When I met johnny I really wasn't interested in him. There were no fireworks. I mean, he is incredibly good looking, and I LOVED being around him, but I wasn't "in love". Actually, I tried to fix him up with a couple of my friends. I said, "He's gonna be a doctor, he's got blue eyes. check out the tatoo. he's so smart and funny... he's everything I swore I would marry when I was a little kid, even down to the name" but my friends kept wondering why I wasn't dating him... hmmm, no spark I guess.
6 months later johnny and I went on our first date and the relationship felt like a glove. We were comfortable just hanging out talking, telling the absolute truth to each other, to the point of painful and embarrassing. We were able to discuss those things you never are supposed to talk about on the first date.
In the year we dated, we had to ask forgiveness from each other, confess things, tell our dreams, and realize that I was dating (oh wait, I'm not supposed to do that............ well, that is unless this is the one that God wants me to marry. Am I content if God took him from me?)
I Knew Johnny was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Nothing special happened, no voice (well,except my moms).
He took me to pretty place to propose and still asked me even when I did get altitude and motion sick 4 times up the mountain... nice.
Our wedding was something I would never trade... I 've never regretted having a wedding and not eloping. I look at pictures and there are sweet memories of family and friends. There was a joy that just doesn't get captured with every wedding I see.
now frankly our fights that first year were ridiculous looking back. we fought over the shower curtain... there were lots of loud voices with no substance.
10 years later, our fights are quieter and probably hopefully more substantial (probably not), but we have always been honest and quick to ask forgiveness which I think has kept us happily married. we still ask each other the tough questions and even confess the things that "well, if I never said anything, they would never know"... we can still laugh at each other and do nothing together to be happy...
10 years... I think I need a few more before I truly understand my husband.
but 1/3 of my life has been with him... I'll see if 1/2 my life with him is enough.