Even a year ago I was a completely different woman.
I was a girl who read, but maybe only right before bed. I drank atleast like 2-3 cokes a day. I couldn't pass a fast food restaurant I didn't like.
I loved parties. I had to throw em, go to em, host em, organize em, have em for no reason. I love to entertain.
I loved to sew. every day, all day, it took my stress, it made me creative, it was a way to teach my girls, and encourage others.
I loved a good craft. Tell me there was a craft show and my juices started flowing. I couldn't help it. I promenaded down the isles of joann's, ac moore, hancocks fabric, Michaels... the thought of it makes me smell nastalgia.
If you knew me longer than a day you probably heard me ask, "is there anything I can do for you?" It was like a catch phrase, I couldn't help but ask and then of course do my darndest to follow through.
I loved kids. Of all ages. I wanted to teach them, listen to them, soak them in , laugh with them.
A lot of things have changed. I still love a good coke, and france produces the tastiest. But I read a lot. I have gone through more books in one year than ... well, a really long time. I rarely have time for fast food, but I CAN get food fast, if I plan well.
But when you live overseas and everyone is on a budget, parties can be hard. I try to be a good hostess and make snacks for people "just because" but it almost insults them. I mean to them , who has time for that? am I showing off? And when I threw a birthday party, it was cheap. I mean a couple bags of candy and popcorn and some glow sticks... but to them I was showing them up. "you lifted the bar too high" they said. Now I'm not saying that it wasn't fun and they didn't have a good time, but I expected people around me to relax... to feel at home. And that wasn't the case.
And I live far away. My apartment is small and people don't like to ... idk, get out?
See school is stressful here. It's a guilt thing. We've been told this lie that we have to be superwoman or we aren't good enough. And when you pull something off... it's a slap in the face to all those who couldn't.
So what used to be a release to me. a stress reliever, a mind distraction, is a burden.
Crafts are expensive and time consuming... and when you study and cook and homework all day, well, I don't know bout you, but I don't like to clean up after a craft before I go to bed. And there's no such thing as inspiration and dare I say, craft stores...
on top of that, i thought I would take MAYBE a year off from sewing , sell my machine and get a new one in a new country, including bells, whistles, and a european plug. But a year later, there's no machine and I won't get one for AT LEAST 6 more months.
have you ever had stagnant creative genes... pretty sure they're atrophying, or atleast crying out in agony. I can hear them... "make a purse, a blanket, I'd even make... barbie clothes, ok maybe not! Maybe just a coozie. Can we sew by hand? is that a possibility?"
And then there's the fact I'm learning to speak french on the job... I don't even know if I can say, is there anything I can do for you... let me think. "Est-il n'importe quoi que je peux faire pour toi?"
I will never remember THAT on the spot...
So what do I have that still makes me... me?
I'm sarcastic. I'm a better listener. I do it before I speak now too. Instead of caring for the masses, I try to think on a one-on-one level. I'm looking internally too, instead of drowning it out with other "things".
Some days I wonder why HE put me here and what good could come from the choices i've made or why are things so drastic... but maybe it's time to put a listening ear to that one too. no, I'm not who I was and the more I think about it, I NEVER will be again. home will never be home again. friends move, relationships change, monkeys might start flying... but I'm still HIS creation. I'm still ME. so what if I cry now (whaaaa) I'll get over it. and then I'll pull my big girl pants on, maybe put on a french scarf because it's time to have new "normals" and be the best ME I can be... til next year.