The Deps

I'm talking about the word, depression. Maybe I should have called it Depths, but then again, we're in the south. Depression is a dreaded word. I'm not talking about just for the person dealing with depression, but just the mention of depression and it makes everyone shift in their seat, look at the floor and struggle for words. It's uncomfortable.

Everyone deals with it differently after the initial shock too. For those who have friends who are depressed, he or she might give the pity awww lip ( this is a common face given by Dr. Drew), there might be the ignore (I'm sorry, I didn't hear you), or the distraction method. That one is my cup of tea. I don't like hearing people hurting, so I will find anything to help them smile.

But as one who struggles with the deps, being the one with it has a diferent feeling. It's not just sadness, or loneliness, its angering too. See when you get sad or lonely, it feels good to have a person come along side you and take you out for coffee, or say hey, or just acknowledge your existence. When you are in the deps, people are your saving grace and your painful reminder. loneliness doesn't go away with someone there, but you feel a little paranoia that they don't want to be near you if they don't call.

Here: let me give you a typical situation. I wake up and feel "down", depish if you will. I don't want my kids to touch me; I almost feel like they'll catch it. But they get upset that I am not loving them, so I feel bad that I can't liven the mood. This doesn't resolve.

Later in the day, I wonder why no one has called me today. Is it because they don't care about me?

Magically, the phone rings and it's a friend... there's lots of awkward silence as I struggle for words that aren't complaints or talking about the dreaded dep word. The whole time, I wonder if they can tell. Every time they change the subject I wonder if they're tired of talking to me and that's why they change subject, I feel like they don't hear me, they ignore me. Every time my kids jump in the conversation and we get distracted and forget what we're talking about it "must"be because they weren't really caring what I was saying in the first place... this conversation is exhausting emotionally ( where from your point of view, we're just catching up from our conversation, like, 2 days ago and you think it's going swimmingly). I just want this talk to end and lay down, but if I get off the phone, then I have to go back to that unresolved conversation with my kids about my lack of love for them.

oh and what happens if I do tell you that I'm struggling that day? You've asked me after all to tell you if I'm having a bad day. Sad lip, awww, "what can I do?", general pity, ignoring, more awkward silence, and then when you finally change the subject after I've vented it all out, I am going to think you're changing the subject because I made you incredibly uncomfy, it's my fault and I will STRUGGLE to make it better for the rest of the SHORT conversation we're going to have... and when you say very innocently that you need to go, it's going to be, in my head, because you hate me....

Can't you figure out why people with depression want to sleep and be alone... just being awake is draining... and not just from situations like this, but going to the store, getting things done around the house, and EVERY hypothetical running through our heads.

For those of us who have the hope of Christ there's an added war. Shouldn't I be able to deal with this with the power of Christ? Is there something wrong with me if I'm on meds (no)? Why do Christians always put on the good face (everyone does)? and the CONSTANT telling to myself that all these emotions and thoughts are lies from Satan and "renewing my mind".

Just typing this hurts. This is the longest amount of time Ive ever spent in typing a post.

and it's cause i'm thinking about how people are going to react to this...

let me reiterate, I love the distraction method. Just tell me about your day, you carry the conversation for a few minutes. Tell me how YOURE feeling, doing, hopes , dreams, what you want to be "when you grow up". Say something utterly ridiculous. Have coffee (if I drank coffee) with me and go to a movie or something. Please don't avoid hanging out with me because "what will happen if I can't do all these things and we have awkward silences". Then my fears aren't misguided are they? :) And if you have friends or are struggling with THE DEPS yourself, now you know how to pray. Pray that Satan can be silenced for a minute. Pray that sleep is restful. That God will work in SPITE of me, and eventually with me. And if you plan on hugging, do it! not out of obligation, but do it without hesitation... and most likely, I'll do it back.