Evolution of (womanly) torture

I’m not one to tell others what to do, but if anyone is planning to torture someone, I have a perfect product to get the job done. The Me Tenda… makes your victim tenda’

So at some point in history, the powers that be said that a woman should be hairless. I’m sure there was a good reason (sorry girl, I can’t tell if you’re fat or your hair is just fluffy). I’m sure women were brilliant, but some man said, cut it off… so we began to shave. But shaving must be done every week if not every day. It’s a pain in all women’s side. And leg. And lip, and armpit.

And women don’t just deal with the man remarks, we now deal with other women. You know, the women who only have to shave once a week and it comes in fine and blond, they suddenly notice if you miss a patch (come on you miss that patch on the back of the ankle, or behind the knee .. or or or, on top of the knee where you can look like you blindfolded yourself, took a butcher knife, played piniata on your knee and that’s when you’re taking your sweet time and paying attention to “detail”). Those women will point out  in public, no doubt, because they must be “encouraging “ you to work harder, daily, instead of say, having a life.

*sigh* I might have a little hair on my legs. I have been known to be called a wooly mammoth by those sweet girls who have perfectly shaped eyebrows, oodles of money for a personal assistant, and a manicure that never seems to be chipped. I’m sure they were loving me into humiliation for the sake of my health and safety… oh what? Hairlessness isn’t for my health.. oh…

Ok so, one day some woman said, “this shaving thing must stop!!” She was smart enough to know that daily sacrifice to the leg gods needed to end, but in a fit of pms , I’m guessing, she decided to use tweezers to rip out each individual hair because it keeps you from having to do the job as often. Yes. Yes, that’s true, but are you kidding. So a man stepped in when she wouldn’t stop nagging about the pain of plucking her hair.. he invented… the epilator. A device consisting of dozens of tweezers stuck on a rotator that plucks multiple hairs out of your leg at the same time in a “fast” fashion… I don’t care how fast it is, you might as well tell me that you’re gonna waterboard me because I’m holding my breath and gasping every 3 seconds as I contain the pain because my kids are in the next room and they are all girls. One day they too will have to choose what type of torture they prefer because they too have my genes of black lion mane hair on their legs.

I’ve tried other types of pain.

I waxed… I actually like it. 1 hour, rip it all off and the dead skin to boot. It stays off… well for like 3 weeks, then you go back… but man 100 dollars later, I’m hairless and broke and red-skinned and walking funny. And if you live in florida, you can then go to the beach and cry for a while when you forget and saltwater hits it. Periodically I’ll just rub lemon juice in the wound (sarcasm noted)… but when you account for longest –lasting, price comparable ways to remove the monkey growing on your leg, you might choose this. I WILL say it’s also a conversational piece. I have been known repeatedly to share my faith with the waxer right when she gets to my bikini line because maybe she’ll do it faster or atleast we will all be distracted.

Another lovely way I learned my lesson was by fire. I have done the laser hair removal… imagine someone calmly loving on you, placing a cool compact on sensitive areas like lip or bikini, and then ZAP!!! You’ve been blinded by lightning which struck on your private area with a fire that sinks in all the way to your uterus , all while they soothe you with the sounds of waterfalls and Kenny G coming from the sound system. And as soon as you reach out to scream that God came back for you piece by piece, the light is gone and you’re left with the smell of burning hair and another cold compress. And if you’re really lucky like me, you’ll have a laser-er that probably isn’t certified (wondered why it was so cheap) and you get burned a couple times right in the V-jay jay. Come back every 3 weeks for 6 months willingly and you’ll get the picture.. and this only guarantees your hair to be gone for 10 years max… or for me… 1 year.

Threading: some lady in Asia said, “tweezers! Ha, I can do the same thing with dental floss for cheap”. Somehow they can hurt you good, make you look great, and degrade you by telling you how ugly you are all at the same time… enough.

Laser epilation: the worst thing I ever experienced. They stick a wire, into each pore where hair comes out, one by one, and light it on fire once it’s in there…

Sorry, I blacked out for a minute… but they claim that this form of treatment, once every hair has been gotten… obviously takes some time, will last a lifetime.. I don’t know. After 3 hairs, I slapped the lady and she said, maybe it wasn’t for me.

So now back to the beauty I bought. I lived in Paris for a year and a half and didn’t know the word for wax, and when I did learn it, I couldn’t afford it. I kept seeing adds for the epilator everywhere and it seemed like everyone I asked said, “yah… I do /did that.” I should have taken note of their pause. I researched good ones and bad ones since you can get them for 20Euros or 500… I found one called the ME… it was highly rated and was an epilator and a home-laser-hair removal system in one. It was on super sale at the “best buy” in town. So I went for it, shelling out a 100 euros, thinking of all the money I’d be saving in the long run as after 10 uses, my hair wouldn’t come back for years!!!

Well, you gotta get past the first time. I mean, wow, I refused for anyone in my family to be home because the crying, and stopping, and wiping of my brow took hours to finally get just half a leg done. My husband came home and said, “only up to your knees? You doing the laser?” Seriously, one thing at a time. Took me a month to get up the nerve to laser that half a leg… Every time, I get the look from him, “ you gonna try your upper leg soon? Your bikini… “ I’m gonna duct tape him down soon and just do his chest… it doesn’t have much hair… then we’ll talk about new forms of torture for next time he makes a comment.

So, I hope this was helpful as you choose what would be a good form of leg hair removal…

And yes, I’ve tried Nad’s sugaring, nair (found out I was allergic the hard way)… but never tried the pinterest coffee grounds suggestion… maybe when I’m feeling masochistic …