sleep is for the weak... and I'm oh so weary!

Netflix just got this show called The Walking Dead, and I totally relate to this show from all angles. I feel like people see me and shy away and at the same time i'm stumbly...

See, when I was a kid, I thought for a long time my mom was so dumb for putting the TV in my room (didn't she know I was watching johnny carson and poltergeist?), but a couple years ago she broke it to me that I never slept anyway, so she put the TV in my room to keep me from waking her up. Smart mom.

In college, I required I swear maybe 3 hours sleep. Ask my roomates. I might have crashed for 12 hours every few months, but most of the time, I just couldn't sleep, nor did I need to.

When Johnny and I got married, it frustrated him that I never slept, but he NEEDED to for med school. He would ask me to lie in bed with him until he slept (which was around 5 minutes) and then I'd get up for a few more hours.... but over time, reading in bed, waiting for him to sleep, would put me to sleep.

over time, I grew to love sleep.

I remember my first nap. I was 19 and my friend Travis took a nap every day and talked me into it... I couldn't wake up, hated it!... now I beg for naps.

So about a month ago I got insomnia. after a couple weeks I started taking Ambien... after a week of that not working, I took Ambien CR.. alternating between not sleeping at all and having a hard time not sleeping for 24 hours straight. You've probably seen me... i kind of stare off into the distance. it takes a few minutes to process answers... my hair looks a little, um, crazy. Ifeel bad that I can't show up for things, and when I do, I'm useless...

And then last night... yes, I woke up 12 times, but I could fall back asleep afterward... I felt ALMOST refreshed last night... so nice. So, here's to tonight.. may I sleep and

The Deps

I'm talking about the word, depression. Maybe I should have called it Depths, but then again, we're in the south. Depression is a dreaded word. I'm not talking about just for the person dealing with depression, but just the mention of depression and it makes everyone shift in their seat, look at the floor and struggle for words. It's uncomfortable.

Everyone deals with it differently after the initial shock too. For those who have friends who are depressed, he or she might give the pity awww lip ( this is a common face given by Dr. Drew), there might be the ignore (I'm sorry, I didn't hear you), or the distraction method. That one is my cup of tea. I don't like hearing people hurting, so I will find anything to help them smile.

But as one who struggles with the deps, being the one with it has a diferent feeling. It's not just sadness, or loneliness, its angering too. See when you get sad or lonely, it feels good to have a person come along side you and take you out for coffee, or say hey, or just acknowledge your existence. When you are in the deps, people are your saving grace and your painful reminder. loneliness doesn't go away with someone there, but you feel a little paranoia that they don't want to be near you if they don't call.

Here: let me give you a typical situation. I wake up and feel "down", depish if you will. I don't want my kids to touch me; I almost feel like they'll catch it. But they get upset that I am not loving them, so I feel bad that I can't liven the mood. This doesn't resolve.

Later in the day, I wonder why no one has called me today. Is it because they don't care about me?

Magically, the phone rings and it's a friend... there's lots of awkward silence as I struggle for words that aren't complaints or talking about the dreaded dep word. The whole time, I wonder if they can tell. Every time they change the subject I wonder if they're tired of talking to me and that's why they change subject, I feel like they don't hear me, they ignore me. Every time my kids jump in the conversation and we get distracted and forget what we're talking about it "must"be because they weren't really caring what I was saying in the first place... this conversation is exhausting emotionally ( where from your point of view, we're just catching up from our conversation, like, 2 days ago and you think it's going swimmingly). I just want this talk to end and lay down, but if I get off the phone, then I have to go back to that unresolved conversation with my kids about my lack of love for them.

oh and what happens if I do tell you that I'm struggling that day? You've asked me after all to tell you if I'm having a bad day. Sad lip, awww, "what can I do?", general pity, ignoring, more awkward silence, and then when you finally change the subject after I've vented it all out, I am going to think you're changing the subject because I made you incredibly uncomfy, it's my fault and I will STRUGGLE to make it better for the rest of the SHORT conversation we're going to have... and when you say very innocently that you need to go, it's going to be, in my head, because you hate me....

Can't you figure out why people with depression want to sleep and be alone... just being awake is draining... and not just from situations like this, but going to the store, getting things done around the house, and EVERY hypothetical running through our heads.

For those of us who have the hope of Christ there's an added war. Shouldn't I be able to deal with this with the power of Christ? Is there something wrong with me if I'm on meds (no)? Why do Christians always put on the good face (everyone does)? and the CONSTANT telling to myself that all these emotions and thoughts are lies from Satan and "renewing my mind".

Just typing this hurts. This is the longest amount of time Ive ever spent in typing a post.

and it's cause i'm thinking about how people are going to react to this...

let me reiterate, I love the distraction method. Just tell me about your day, you carry the conversation for a few minutes. Tell me how YOURE feeling, doing, hopes , dreams, what you want to be "when you grow up". Say something utterly ridiculous. Have coffee (if I drank coffee) with me and go to a movie or something. Please don't avoid hanging out with me because "what will happen if I can't do all these things and we have awkward silences". Then my fears aren't misguided are they? :) And if you have friends or are struggling with THE DEPS yourself, now you know how to pray. Pray that Satan can be silenced for a minute. Pray that sleep is restful. That God will work in SPITE of me, and eventually with me. And if you plan on hugging, do it! not out of obligation, but do it without hesitation... and most likely, I'll do it back.

Essence of perfection

Took everyone to school on Wednesday and then.... it was just me and Nyla alone all morning. I attempted the beach. The nice thing about a baby that can't go anywhere is that you don't need anything but a towel. I brought a chair for myself and we were off.

I laid her under the pier and sat my chair in the sun next to it. AND I READ A BOOK. Now, I'm not talking like I read a word, looked up to check, forgot what word I read and reread and reread and reread... She fell asleep on the beach. I READ A BOOK!

I looked up at that timultious ocean and was captivated.

My first thought was, "Does God orchestrate every wave that hits the pier because it's like a symphony... beautiful".

Then the funny things I notice as a people watcher started to take place. The old lady wearing a roxy bikini 2 sizes too small SEARCHING the beach for loose driftwood that she was capable of carrying. There was a surfer ARGUING with the fisherman on the pier to which side he belonged on. Then on the nearly empty beach, a man felt the overwhelming need to sit an armsreach from me, literally. I heard the hippy from the north explaining to his 11 year old how she was responsible to clean the beach for the next generation.

I loved watching and talking to passersby as they oohed and ahhhed about Nyla sleeping on the beach.

For a mom of 4, it was a perfect day.

So many things can be taken for granted on a daily basis, but perspective can make the difference between complaining that Irene wiped out the beach and leaving completely refreshed.

Proverbs 15 :15 says something to the effect of " a miserable attitude leads to a miserable life; a happy heart leads to a song in your day."

I loved the Song in my day, it was

August 28, 2011

That is all I can name it for it was a day like ... well , most days, but on crack.

we woke up that bright sunday morn with Johnny gone. He left before the sun came up to round at the hospital.

We were getting dressed EARLY. Ella asked so innocently, " mom, can I paint my nails". Why yes, darling of mine, all polite and responsible. Could you Please do it in the bathroom.

Zoe: mom, can I paint my nails?

Well, if Ella would like to paint your nails she may, but I can't right now; I'm feeding the baby.

After feeding Nyla and cleaning up breakfast, Zoe comes into the kitchen.

Zoe: Ella says she needs cotton balls to clean up her nails. (why would this EVER worry me, she's being a girl)

After I give her the cotton balls, I continue my cleaning. Ella comes in.

Ella: Mom, now I was doing my nails... (I kinda blacked out at this time because the story went on and on with no end or point until I heard...) now it's all over the bathtub, but it's not my fault, I told them not to"

Wait, what?

I go into the bathroom and Zoe is in the tub scrubbing with nail polish remover and cotton balls the 2 bottles of nailpolish taht are spread over ALL the tub. Ada is sitting outside the tub pouring another bottle of nailpolish over her hand in attempt to paint her nails. Ella, meanwhile, sits back down on the floor and proceeds to go back to painting her nails.

FREEEEZE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

Zoe: I'm cleaning up the mess?

WHO"S MESS? I thought Ella needed cotton balls for her nails.

Ella: No I told her to tell you that so you wouldn't worry, but she's got it under control now (no she didn't. she was, however, about to pass out from the fumes)... I told them they shoudln't paint their nails, but they never listen to me.

After the nail fiasco, we went to church. Worked in the nursery, loved the babies, had a lunch potluck for community groups and caught up with a friend. And then we went home to prepare for Zoe and Ada's first day of school.... baths, pack up, oh and sit down with the white board to review daily responsiblities (also known as chores around the house).

Favorite line: I say, "Ada, you're in charge (of cleaning the bedroom... now I put that in perintheses because I only got that first part out of my mouth before zoe said...)

Zoe: Why does Ada get to be in charge?!!

An hour later we finally understood.

And this is just another typical day at the Campbell house...

Silence is supposed to be golden

I'm pretty sure it's just awkward.

I took Ella to the first day of 3rd grade yesterday. we were there 10 minutes early and she was the last to show up to class. Everyone was silent and doing paperwork. They all gave me the evil eye, lke I was completely interrupting. I whispered, "I will see you after school" and snuck away.

Ella came home, said she loved her teacher, and went straight to do homework. She was begging me to do it. When I told her she couldn't practice cursive in the bumpy car, she actually got upset at me.

I figured it must have been first day jitters, so I got all 3 sisters and myself dressed again this morning to take her to class. Well, she wasn't last, but they were still sitting 15 minutest early, working silently on who knows what. I felt wierd just walking into the class, so I mouthed "I love you" across the room and headed out.

She loves it. Loves studying, working, reading... and I keep hearing people writing, "179 days till next summer" and I'll admit: I love school. My daughter and I are just white and nerdy. I was the same way in school growing up and couldn't stand being late (except second grade, I had issues with that teacher/ grade)...

so watch me push up my glasses

My day with the girls

This seems to be a typical day for me... well, not really. we're not usually action packed, but we did everything because school was getting ready to start.
It started with Dropping Zoe off at a birthday party. Now I had been up all night because the baby was SCREAMING. So, that meant I had 2 hours to party with my 3 while Zoe partied with her bestie, Sierra.
First we went to the pet store. ok, does anyone really want to buy a Fancy pet rat? Is there really such a thing? We also saw kittens that all the girls picked out their fave and gave me grief why boots wasn't going to get a new friend. and then Ada named all the animals in the store, assuming that I would buy her one. My favorite line from the pet store: I see 2 hamsters. That one's name is chedderton ... and I shall name that one Jim.
next was wonderworks.... wow , that's a store not meant for the faint of heart. My fave there: instead of a boucy ball, they had a giant blow up dog that you sat on, holding his ears and bounce.
Finally time for lunch. McCalisters... mmmmm. I used my B1G1 coupon... and we ate "teddy bears in a pool" (teddy grahams in apple sauce).
Sound boring? Well, after we picked up Zoe, it was time to go to the cosmetology school to get the girls hair cut.
We met some friends and her 3 girls , kinda to buffer the amount of time it would take.
So, in like a half an hour, all 6 girls had gotten their hair cut and my friend was getting hers cut. She said, "go ahead and get your hair cut and I'll hold nyla if you need".
2 1/2 hours later.... my hair was done getting cut. I got the sweet girl who neglected to tell me she was DEATHLY afraid of cutting my hair. She WOULD NOT take a cut without her teacher there (who had other girls to round on, so you can tell how long it took).
She of course picked the cut she'd always wanted to try, but didn't even know how to do it.
Highlights (no pun intended): "Have you ever considered letting me color your hair" ... not today
(for the 10th time) :" I dont know what my guide is. I think Ill just cut here."
"Her hair is just so curly, I can't see anything. Should I just cut it off?"
"it's just so thick, can you do it"
Teacher: "the kids are getting restless. time to hurry up"
student: "stop putting pressure on me. I'm trying. Here you take the scissors. wait, they're stuck on my fingers"
After it was all over, nyla had fallen asleep under the cape, the girls are running like CRAZY people, and getting all their nails done, I am happy to say that my hair isnt all bad. and I dind't pay much"
And then just to ice the cake, Johnny decided to take the girls to chuck e. cheese and we hit the jackpot... twice.
And that's my typical day... picks to follow

Get a job, kid!

I love Jobs... Always have. You can't tell me what you do for a living and i'm like... oh well (best eeyore voice). I will always be excited. I like to see what can keep our country running.

I watch Dirty Jobs... I think all people should do a "menial" job. Our country couldn't survive if we didn't have these people. We wouldn't have indoor plumbing, clean water, clean dirt to grow our organic veggies etc. if these people didn't clean crud out of pipes, under ground, inside claustrophobic places, and upside down.

I love factory workers. I think they're exciting. I love to do jobs where I have to pay attention, but at the same time my brain can fly out the window. Without people who work hard sorting, separating, sewing, etc. we wouldn't have pretty much anything in our house.

I love doctors (well, I'm married to one) . Now, I can NEVER remember what specialty ANY doctor is in (as a dr. wife that's so bad) but I found out there is such a thing the past couple weeks as an INTERNAL physical therapist... who thinks to do something like that. Without these people we wouldn't have vaccine's, cures, we'd all have diseases, germaphobia and mostly dead.

I love women (and men) who can sell things out of their house (not over the phone although props to those people constantly putting up with hang ups and cusssing) like AVON, initials inc., premier jewelry, even taste of home. Without these people we'd have a whole lot more babysitters and a lot less pretty faces/ bags.

I love nursery workers, teachers and anyone who works with children. What a gift, honor, and picture into their heart... Without social workers, boys and girls volunteers, nannies etc where would our kids be.

I could go on and on.... you will never find me saying what a crappy job. Maybe it was because my mom and dad didn't have typical jobs... I always think about what I could be. I want my kids to not be limited by a computer society that makes them potentially unhappy. Some friends I have do computer programming and you have to be so smart...and patient... it makes me proud, but if my kid wants to be a car reconstructor or work for QVC that's cool , as long as they stick to their morals. I want to see them come up with a job that they see a need, and can come up with a product.

I have friends/ aquaintances that range from military (nuclear subs, helicoptor pilot/ mechanic, and A-Team), to people who are seamstresses. professional bodybuilders, wrestlers, dancers, trainers, horticulturalists, teachers, radio, TV, Broadway, Opera singer, mom, and so much. so if you have an awesome job... share it. I'd love to talk about it, pass it on, introduce my kids to you and thank you for making this country so great.